I notice weird things. I notice illogical things. I have deep, philosophical life questions. Here are just a few of them.

Why are toilet handles always silver?

And, why are they almost always on the left side of the tank (as you are facing it)?  The only right-side ones I’ve seen are at Caribou Coffee shops.

Why isn’t women’s underwear sized the same as jeans/pants?

Is this a holdover from days when women went by dress sizes so underwear sizes were really different? I just find it goofy that shopping for two items of clothing that go on the same part of my body don’t use the same sizing scale.

Is eating an egg the same as eating chicken?

This is one of those philosophical “If a tree falls in the forest…” or “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” questions, but it sparked quite a controversy with my family, and I am now forbidden to even bring it up. If I even mention chickens and eggs in the same sentence I am given warning glares with, “Noooooo!” Here’s the deal: I love to eat eggs; I do not love to eat chicken, and I remarked one evening that the only way I liked to eat chicken was as an egg. My know-it-all, animal-science-majoring daughter said they were not equivalent on the grounds of nutritional content and that an unfertilized egg contains only half of the genetic material required to make a chicken. Said daughter even consulted a fellow animal science student who specializes in poultry to back her up, which he did. The rest of my kids agreed with her. (My husband, quite wisely, kept his mouth shut.) However, I still maintain that eating an egg is essentially eating chicken because the only thing a chicken egg is capable of becoming is a chicken.

How can you not use lip balm on damaged or broken skin?

I realize that this is a CYA move on the part of lawyers for the chapstick company but just take a minute to really think about it. Chapped lips are damaged and broken skin…

Why don’t laundry labels match laundry machine settings?

I have owned fancy dryers with more options than colors of the rainbow and my current dryer is a bare-bones model; none of them has settings that match laundry labels. This is the laundry label on my dog’s couch blanket.

These are the temperature setting options on my dryer.

And before you suggest it, Fluff (No Heat) is not the same as Low. Fluff won’t dry anything. I know. I’ve tried. It comes out just as wet as it went in 80 minutes earlier. Everything in our house gets dried on Wrinkle Free (Medium) though “wrinkle free” is also a misnomer. And while we’re talking about laundry equipment. When did Colors become a temperature?

Multi-purpose Aim’n Flame? What else does it do?

Um, Aim’n Flames have one purpose—to start fires. Again, I get what they’re hinting at. You can light a candle with it, light the grill with it, start a fire in the fire pit with it, light a cigarette with it, etc. But all of those things are the same thing really. It is no more multi-purpose than say a match. You use it for one thing only, to start a fire.

Is there a full Nelson?

There’s a wrestling move called a half Nelson. It just begged the question: Is there a full Nelson?

What other kinds of weapons are there?

This sign causes all sorts of problems for me. First, show me a weapon that is not dangerous and it’s not a weapon. Danger is just part of the definition of being a weapon. I’m sure that referring to dangerous weapons is an attempt to clarify things like guns and knives from everyday things that you may need to use as a weapon in a threatening situation like, say, car keys. But like the cracked and broken skin for lip balm, when you really think about this one something seems off.

Then if you notice the fine print, this ban does not apply to people lawfully carrying dangerous weapons, really making it pointless. It’s not like someone illegally carrying a weapon is going to say, “Hold on a minute. Let me just put my illegal weapon back in the car before we go in here.” If you’re lawfully carrying dangerous weapons chances are you’re not intending to do anything illegal with them. And, if you were intending to commit a crime with them, legally carrying or not, someone banning them from the premises wouldn’t stop you from doing it. Think of school shootings. Back when schools didn’t have bans on weapons being on school campuses it was rare for a school shooting to happen. Once shootings started becoming a thing, schools banned weapons. Weapons on campus didn’t result in shootings. People not being taught to respect human life and the law resulted in shootings. Those intent on harming people don’t care what laws you enact or what is banned.

Why would I want more of something I don’t like?

Let me just say, I love Aldi. I buy a good 90% of my groceries there. I appreciate that they want me to love their products so much that they are willing to give me my money back if I don’t like them. But, if I don’t like the product, why on earth would I want them to give me another container of the product (i.e. replace it)?

How many steps are there really?

I was making a duvet cover the other night and needed to put some buttonholes in it. I very rarely make buttonholes so I had to consult the manual for my sewing machine on how to use its buttonhole feature. It touted a 1-step buttonhole feature and then proceeded to explain how to use it in eight steps. I kind of felt lied to.

So now you know the kinds of things that run through my head on a fairly frequent basis. Occasionally, I have some deep, profound, potentially life-impacting thought that might change the course of someone’s life but for the most part I’m on a level only slightly higher than a squirrel. That leaves me wondering, is everybody like this or is it just me?